For those of you, like my wife, who wouldn't be caught DEAD watching BET...I will save you the indignity and watch it for you.
It starts off with the "big surprise" which ends up being Dueling Jennifer H.s
Hudson and Holliday did their thing, although whomever put Jennifer in that Dress took all that People Magazine stuff about her losing weight too far. She looks good...but shed look better in a different dress.
Michael Buffer comes out to introduce Black America's favorite Big girl/Charm school dean.
But wait....props to whomever fed him the following lines:
The Miss More Betta making Moooooore Cheddah(!)
The Mistress of Thickness (!!)
Pardon me while I add Getting Michael Buffer to my list of lifetime goals.
Lets Get ready to Jiggle, he says.
Ok, I just saw a big girl put her foot over her head. All big girls are NOT created Equal.
Monique talks that big girl empowerment stuff all she wants and I aint mad at her, but she wants to be Beyonce so bad its kinda unfair.
Monique gets LL Cool J to step out of the front row and take off her OTHER shoe...cause she danced herself out of the first one.
Sidebar: James is too damn old to be dressing like that. He looks like he stumbled out of an 11th grade class.
next comes America's favorite big girl...Queen Latifah for Video of the year.
Nominees - I wanna Fu...errrr. Love you - Snoop and Akon
Irreplaceable - Beyonce
Beautiful Liar - Beyonce and Shakira
Like a Boy - Ciara
Crazy - Gnarls Barkley
Winner: Irreplaceable. Beyonce accepts graciously and brings up random Video director. Her mentioning that Ne-Yo wrote this song makes me realize how mannish the song actually is. Be goes on about how appreciative she is of BET....that makes ONE of us.
Next up...Clifford Harris, who breaks out his um...alter ego. TI...or is it TIP...I cant tell them apart.
This is whats WRONG with HipHop. if you wanna get your safe and split personality on, at least make them DIFFERENT.
TI is apparently the biggest thing poppin in HipHop right now, but he broke the cardinal rule by not having a live band.
I love Big Things Poppin but all this yellin' just kinda makes this rather Ehh...
Wonder if the hype man has health insurance.
Diana Ross is gettin her dance on....
I bet the mortgage that he reminds us the album comes out July 3rd.
Nick Cannon and Corbin Bleu come out. I realize now that Corbin Bleu MUST be on Nickelodeon cause I have never seen this cat before in my life. Which is how I saw Nick Cannon 10 years ago.
Don't tell anyone, but Nick is probably making more money than just about everyone on the show tonight, aside from Puffy and 50. I dont know where he got it all from, but apparently dude cashes in everytime you see him.
This Corbin kid has the ILL non urban accent. He sounds like the lost Lawrence brother....WHOA.
Nick drops a joke about Christina Milian busting him by perusing his sidekick that apparently no one got because no one remembers Christina Milian.
Best Group -
Gnarls Barkley
Mary Mary
Outkast
Pretty Ricky
Three 6 Mafia
Gnarls Barkley wins but I am not sure why, Actually I'm not sure why any of these groups were even nominated. Gnarls Barkley isn't exactly prime BET material, Mary Mary, peaked with their first hit like 7 years ago, Outkast put out a soundtrack no one bought (but me) for a movie no one saw(But me), Pretty Ricky is Pretty Ricky, which is to say they annoy anyone who isnt a teen-age girl, and Three Six Mafia will NEVER recover from winning an Oscar.
John Salley and some kid in a short set and some woman I dont know shill for people to Pay to vote for some video.
Ne-Yo reminds you that his album is in stores.
Monique is still looking like she ran a 10K.
Ne-Yo gains points for having clothed dancers. Dude still struggles singing live bless his heart, but who doesn't.
He borrows from the same catalog of moves that Usher stole from Michael Jackson and he wears a suit with sneakers...which irks me to no end.
But what irks me even more is that dude is busting a sag beneath his shiny suit.
In an awkward musical segue the band goes into Make Me Better, Fabolous' new song, which gives me a chance to hear one of my favorite current lines...
Ima need a Coretta Scott if Im gonna be King. -(Fabolous, 2007)
The Dancers suddenly get LESS clothed and Heeled up.
Fabolous reminds the crowd why the FIRST commandment of Live Rap performances is Thou shalt use a live band.
No one yells over a live band. People yell over tracks...that's just how it is.
Monique STILL looks a mess as she shills for Verizon under the guise of talkin to her Gramma on the phone. Monique know DAMN well Gramma will be in the bed asleep by the time this show is over.
Michael Clarke Duncan and Jordin Sparks present Best Actor
It is pretty safe to say Michael Clarke Duncan will NEVER be nominated for an Oscar again. Jordin Sparks is appearing on BET for the next to last time. The last time will be for her first single on 106 and Park. She will stick to pop once she realizes Black folk don't buy records.
Idris Elba -Daddy's Little Girls
Jamie Foxx - Dreamgirls
Eddie Murphy - Dreamgirls
Will Smith - Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker - Last King of Scotland
I love Idris Elba's work, but dude was WAY over his head in THIS list of nominees. Forest Whitaker won, but hes somewhere else doing something else, so Michael Clarke Duncan stole his award and took it to his house.
Commercials of note.
Who's Your Caddy? You cannot be serious.
They gave Joe Claire and Toccarra a LIVE show? I bet a dollar Toccara will be funnier on accident than Joe is on Purpose,. Why IS dude still famous, anyway?
Common - Finding Forever July 31...Get it or I will have you brought up on Manslaughter charges for killing HipHop.
Old Spice has a body spray and apparently they want Black people to use it cause their ad is IN the theater with the show.
Monique flubs the teleprompter and makes them rewind it.
Did...naw im calling him Puffy and Keyshia Cole perform the worst song on his album, which wasnt nearly as bad as you would expect.
Pufy obeys the first commandment and breaks out a mini orchestra.
The song still stinks, but Keyshia Cole is still my hoodrat fantasy.
Speaking of hoodrat fantasies...Lil Kim is in this song too. Apparently Jail taught her to stay clothed.
It just hit me, they don't play this song on the radio in DFW. I didn't know it was even popular.
Rihanna and Chris Brown present best Actress. Chris Brown is wearing Cazals and an adidas warmup. Rihanna isn't. She and Chris find a way to work in a shameless plug for his upcoming album.
Pam..errr Tichina Arnold - Everybody Hates Chris
Angela Basset - Akeelah and the Bee
Jennifer Hudson - Dreamgirls
Kerry Washington - Last King of Scotland
Chandra Wilson - Grey's Anatomy
It tells you about the state of Black Actresses when TWO of the nominees are from Television.
Chris reminds us NOW that his album comes out August 28th
Jennifer Hudson thanks God and clearly didn't prepare a speech.
Big Tigger plugs his radio show that I didn't know he had. Tigger needs to understand that he will never get any bigger than he is right now.
Beyonce is the One....even down to the Matrix numbers. No Shes a Robot?
No shes Damn near nekkid.
It is now getting to the point where you just can't hate on the girl.
I almost have to believe the girl is lipsynchin...cause she is GROOOOOOOOOOOOVIN and not missing a note. and if she is...SO WHAT. lemme watch in peace.
She should get points for having dancing men...but of course....she wont get none from me.
Pat ya weave? Stop playin...
Monique joins in to get her inner Beyonce on.
Be gives over the stange to Kelly Rowland...who is STILL the sexiest member of Destiny's Child.
not the most talented...just the sexiest.
Eve comes out...and does her verse.
Who told her to stop rappin .
At the end....Kelly, Beyonce, Michelle and....I guess that's Letoya try to make you believe that they are the original Destiny's Child.
They aren't. Michelle STILL can't dance, but we just have to be grateful that she didn't fall.
Vivica A. Fox and Charlie Murphy present Best HipHop artist, Charlie Murphy shills for his new show, Hot Ghetto Mess. What ensues, is the WORST attempt at comedy I have ever seen in all my life.
Diddy
Jay- Z
Lil' Wayne
Ludacris
T.I.
T.I wins in a walk and gives his baby mama Tiny from Xscape a kiss to let all y'all know they still together. who needs matrimony when you can get a kiss at an awards show. TI apologizes for acting unroyally.
Rush Hour 3? I guess it had to come out eventually. its only been six years.
Oh, so THAT'S what happened to that Kelly Rowland movie.
A Baseball commercial on BET? Too late for that. Baseball is GONE.....Back back back back...GONE.
Kanye West Graduation - this summer. He is so large he dont need a release date
Um...Robin Thicke sounds horrible, but the band sounds good and the dancing girls look like...dancing girls., so pardon me while I turn out his voice.
He is nice enough to remind you that he is white by dancing badly.
I am pretty sure the women are swooning on cue cause Mr. Thicke's voice is anything but.
Anthony Anderson and Lauren London present best collaboration. Anthony Anderson has the best agent in the world. How else can you explain going from King's Ransom, Kangaroo Jack, and Malibu's Most Wanted, to The Shield, The Departed and Transformers?
How is Lauren London the first lady of the ATL? Oh wait..she was IN ATL...Tell a fool something. She was in Entourage and she can look forward to a career of playing _______ girlfriend/wife for the next 9 years...enjoy it darlin.
Look its T-PAIN.
I'd LOVE to hate this song, but I am sorry, I can't.
T-Pain gets his Carlton Banks on.
Akon & Snoop - I wanna Fu...errr...Love you
Beyonce & Jay-Z - Deja Vu
Beyonce & Jay -Z - Upgrade U
Diddy & Keyshia Cole - Last Night
Ludacris & Mary J. Blige - Runaway Love
Luda and Mary win.
This cat got on two tone shoes and a Blazer. He dun growed up so nice.
More shilling for HAM TV on BET. Apparently Unintentional Comedy is the order of the day on BET this summer. Wake me up when they break out season 3 of The Wire.
I am going to need these professional actresses and Actors to show a LITTLE more poise on stage when shilling for their shows.
Illegal Tender comes out August 24 but I have no idea what it's about...Lets ask IMDB.com
Apparently its kind of the Latino Boyz in the Society Doing the Right thing, Drinking Juice in the ATL.
and here is the commercial for Illegal Tender.
Wow....looks um....looks like they better try and find me lazy on a Saturday with the remote hidden if they want me to watch it.
The roster of BET original programming is so troublesome I cannot possibly address it in this post.
Patti Labelle comes out to a standing ovation, giving a tribute to Gerald Levert. She did kinda lie when she said he would kick her butt in singing runs. I am not buying that for a second.
Eddie Levert and Gladys Knight break open a can of whoopass on
Wind Beneath my Wings
Young Folks take notes, please.
Yolanda Adams puts in her 15 cents....then Patti Labelle comes out and the four of them have church....Choir and all.
Nice of them to let the old folk get their thing on...Makes you wonder who of these kids will be around in 30 years to do stuff like this.
Don't answer that right now, it will only disturb you to think that far ahead with this group.
They tried to acknowledge Gerald Levert's daughter in the crowd, but I guess they couldn't find her.
They found snoop with pigtails and lil balls on them, so perhaps they might have been confused.
Nope..that's Snoop from the Wire.
Now here comes 50 Cent.
Fiddy breaks the first commandment of Live HipHop by not springing for a live band.
Um wait...aint no words...did he forget them?
no...I think hes mad cause the crowd is indifferent.
32 bars later...hes getting his Naughty word on.
OK, it is official, 50's 15 minutes of fame are over.
Next...one of them is pretty, one is a Pretty Boy and one is a pretty good football Player.
Ashanti, Floyd Mayweather, and Reggie Bush present best Male R&B Artist.
Only Floyd Mayweather can make Reggie Bush look HUGE. Hell , Floyd makes ASHANTI look big.
Akon
John Legend
Gerald Levert
Ne-Yo
Robin Thicke
First of all, Akon, REALLY?
Ne-Yo wins,
Akon? Seriously?
Damn this show is long.
Toccara and Joe Claire shill THEIR new show, while Toccara tries in vein to keep her dress on.
Monique has on a slinky Bathrobe?
Oh...this is a tribute to Diana Ross.
Alicia Keys gives tribute to Diana Ross.
Snoop still has those damn Balls at the end of his pigtails.
We are overdue for an Alicia Keys album...let the record show.
The comparisons between Diana Ross and Beyonce are starting to become unavoidable.
Erykah Badu and her afro cover Love Hangover. This needs to be released...no joke. Erykah transports herself into the 70s and leaves the rest of us in the 21st century.
I support the death penalty for Nick Cannon if he cheats on his fiancee.
Chaka Khan, who sings bad notes better than anyone EVER covers I'm Coming out.
It appears that Diana Ross' grandchildren are completely oblivious to any and everything. They also look like someone else's grandchildren.
Stevie Wonder (and his harmonica) cover Upside down like he wrote it, but he didn't.
Chanda Wilson acts like she grew up on this song...and she probably did.
Jordin Sparks actks like she grew up on this song..and we know DAMN well she didn't
All of Diana's chirren come out and announce her. and shill for her latest album.
If you thnk Tracee Ellis Ross looks like Diana..you should see the Rhonda with an afro.
I am going to resist the urge to fast forward past Diana's speech.
Monique reminds us that this is Black History. and thanks Martin Luther King, Paul Robeson, Hattie McDaniel, and Harriet Tubman.
She then introduces the CEO and President of Debra Lee...
Just once I want someone to boo this woman.
Debra Lee introduces Don Cheadle.
It is past time for Don to get his Oscar.
If you don't go see Talk to Me I am going to pull hairs from your favorite household pet.
Don Cheadle gets a Humanitarian award.
We could ask what BET is doing to enlighten us, but why sour the mood.
Henry Simmons, Big Boi, and Mario present Best New Artist.
Lupe Fiasco
Gnarls Barkley
Jennifer Hudson
Mims
Corinne Bailey Rae
Jennifer Hudson gets escorted by her boyfriend to get her second award and thanks Chicago.
Sad that Mims Career was over before he could even win Best New Artist.
and the show STILL isn't over.
GO SEE Talk to ME or I will slash the tires on your child's little red wagon.
Ciara reminds everyone how short sighted Bow Wow was.
She cant sing...but any girl who makes it rain is ok by me.
wow...this dancin thing is nice and all but she has YET to hit ONE note.
Lil Jon stepped off of hasbeen Island to get the crowd Crunk.
The 106 and Park twins bring out the ultimate fan contest win.
Im pretty sure shes too old to be watching 106 and park.
The Viewers Choice award
Beyonce - Irreplaceable
Birdman and Wayne - Stuntin like my daddy
Ciara - Promise
Ne-Yo - Because of You
Robin Thicke - Lost without you
Unk - Walk it out
Birdman and Wayne and ALLL THEIR KIDS...say thank you
Al Sharpton reminds you that he can out speak just about anyone. So much so that he outspoke my DVR.
I am officially bitter. and the show stops here for me.
